I have had a few people/friends come to me with relationship questions. Especially since the Beyonce post! I am by no means an expert and I am forewarning: if you are sensitive or like when people tell you what you want to hear…don’t read on because that is not my style whatsoever. I give people the blunt and honest advice they need to mature as people and move forward in their relationship. I was in a toxic relationship all of college and just finally found someone who is my partner and companion in life. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and he is honestly my best friend. We live together. His name is Zach and he is 33 (I am 24). Okay enough about me. I am going to give you scenarios people have asked me about and give you the exact advice I gave them!
Scenario 1: Phone snooping. Is it okay or crazy?
Melissa: Let’s establish something we all know deep down. No matter cool and relaxed a girl may act there is a psycho deep in her soul that either comes out regularly or stays hidden until truly needed. Snooping through your man’s phone is crazy 120%. Imagine if he went through your phone. Would you be annoyed? You may be thinking, “well I have nothing to hide so he can look all he wants.” What you should be thinking is, “why does he feel the need to invade my privacy and spy on me, why doesn’t he trust me?.” That is exactly what guys are thinking if you go through their phones. You have to be prepared for what you may find. If you find something shady are you going to confront him? If so, you are going to damage your relationship in more ways than one. If you find something you will never be able to unsee it. You will never trust him again and always be nervous something is going on. So ultimately you are ruining the entire relationship. One time my ex-boyfriend changed all the girls that texted him to guys names (this was back in the day when I was a psycho and for good reason). Did this dumbass think I wasn’t going to read every single word of every single message? Because he had been caught cheating on me every other day for the past 3 years at this point. So now he’s caught and looks shadier (or looks like he is sleeping with men). He even went to the point to tell all of his friends to call him with plans instead of texting him. Now I live a life where I am an adult and will joke around with my boyfriend saying “who is mom? Is that code for Maddie or Margo?”. Obvi I have retired my CIA days but I still poke fun at my psycho side.
Action: Don’t do it. Be an adult. You may think not knowing is worse but to be honest ignorance is bliss. If some whore is going to knowingly or ‘unknowingly’ (seriously how could you not know? I could literally find out a guy’s family tree and social security if need be) home wreck your relationship or he is going to get drunk and hook up with people then YOU NEED A NEW BOYFRIEND. Accept the fact that you only live once so why would you want to waste any of your precious time with some loser when you could be out there finding your prince charming. If my boyfriend is hooking up with people behind my back karma is going to ruin his life and I am going to get better looking with age, and live my best life, and he will watch from the sidelines wishing he didn’t f*ck up (I say this from past experience). That needs to be your mindset if you are having insecurities in your relationship enough to look through his personal stuff. Men don’t like insecure girls so be secure that you are the best thing that happened to him.
Scenario 2: Every time I try to tell my boyfriend how I feel about something he does he turns it on me and what I do wrong. I feel taken for granted and disrespected.
Melissa: This is a rough one to listen to. While I agree him being stressed is absolutely no excuse for him to treat you like shit and stop caring about the relationship you are missing a very serious component…MEN ARE SIMPLE CREATURES. The reality is you telling him your feelings on his behavior is going to 1. Push him away and 2. Make him think you are nagging him and cause him to view you as his mother instead of his partner. You obviously have no intentions of walking away from the relationship (which is a good thing because no one likes a quitter), but I was in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years (mentally and physically). Every time he broke up with me I felt like “I couldn’t live without him” and “my life was empty and dark” and “I’d never love again because I was supposed to marry him,” blah blah blah.. One day I woke up and it just hit me in the face…I am better and hotter than him in every way and don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone let alone a soft 4. You can make excuses all day about why he is acting like this, and why you two need to figure things out, but if he has no desire to treat you differently than you are a broken record (to him, your friends and yourself). The harsh truth they don’t tell you when you are a little girl is there is no such thing as ‘the one’. You need to accept that in any relationship so you don’t completely destroy yourself if things start to go south. There are a bunch of people in this world that could be your equal partner in this life but your relationship with yourself is what sets you up for success. You have to be 120% okay alone and on your own and need to be completely dependent on yourself for happiness. A man is just an accessory to ‘an outfit’ (aka you and your life). Either it betters the outfit and makes you look and feel great or doesn’t match, looks stupid, and provides no positive purpose to the outfit. This is the best way I can put it for you.
Action: Taking a bit of a “break” right now would be good for you guys. He should ‘miss and need’ you…not the other way around. Guys simply do not have the mental and emotional complexities women do. In order to get across to him YOU need to provide more value to the relationship. Instead of asking him to change or telling him all of your feelings on his behavior…you need to ask yourself what you should be doing to change and better the situation. There is nothing wrong with YOU; just your mental state. If you aren’t in a good place…how can your relationship be? Ask him for some space instead of begging for him back because I can promise you if it looks like you can’t live without him and need him for your survival in this world then he is never coming back. He won’t treat you like a woman. Just a girl obsessed with him even if he treats you like garbage. If you live together…is there a friend you could stay with or your parent’s house? Do you share a pet? The pet is fine so don’t worry about that right now. Worry about the present and every move you make right now will control the outcome of your relationship. If you don’t have control of your life and emotions…he isn’t going to treat you the way you should be treated. It sucks and doesn’t mean he is right, you just have absolutely no control on how he acts. Men learn through behavior. Commanding more respect through your actions instead of your words is the best way to get through to him.
Scenario 3: My boyfriend cheated on me. Am I dumb for taking him back?
Melissa: I will lay it on you plain and simple. Yes, you are not the smartest for forgiving him and moving forward in the relationship. He did this while you guys had no issues. Not that having major issues is an excuse, but I could maybe see past a drunken mistake if he needed to ‘let steam out of the pot,” but the reality is he will do it again. No matter what words he says to get you back he didn’t learn a lesson from his mistake. He now thinks you will let it go no matter how hard he begs and works for it next time (and that is just if he gets caught). Put your feelings aside. If you didn’t care for him as much would you tolerate this behavior from a guy? No. So just because you like him more why does that excuse him to treat you worse. Because you have feelings and a relationship you have built he should be treating you even better than a random guy you are talking to. My ex cheated on me with every human that had a pulse. He would beg for me back and I was too depressed and missed him for me to realize the respect I deserve. Overtime he stopped even trying to make up for it because he knew I’d take him back (isn’t this embarrassing?). It started with that first time or first ‘drunken mistake’. You are opening up the relationship in a negative way. He blew it. You don’t have a family with him, or a marriage, you owe nothing to him to make it work. Eventually you will more than likely breakup (maybe even because he dumps you for someone he cheated on you with or because he has no respect for you left) and then you’ll be left with wasted time. He won’t have learned a single thing because you did not punish him or make him live without you.
Action: You need to think long and hard if you need him. No. Gain your power b*tch! You set the standard for how you want to be treated and to be honest if he does not have enough respect for you to keep his sh*t together…what is the point of your relationship. He is going to tell you anything under the sun that you want to hear to apologize and get you back. Once he sees what it takes he’ll get sneakier. He’ll prepare to get caught and he’ll slowly lose respect for you over time until he decides you’re not good enough for him because you lack respect for yourself. Isn’t that f*cked up? Learn a lesson from this and hold yourself to a standard and move forward and see how you want to be treated. Once you do this people will be able to see how much you value yourself. Which will make you even more attractive. I can’t tell you what to do but from my personal experience and the experience of all my friends who have experienced this (and it all started with that one drunk hookup) you are setting yourself and your relationship up for failure if you stick around.
Scenario 4: The guy I’ve been seeing is out of town until this summer for work. He said we should try things when he is back in town because he’s busy and can’t commit to keeping things going (via text).
Melissa: First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. The fact that you would like to text more since you don’t see him is completely understandable for a girl. You have to understand men are not emotionally on the same page as women. Not because they choose not to be, but because their chemical makeup in their body does not have all the hormones to make them feel their feels. Now if someone REALLY liked you they would talk to you. Period, point blank. I know that is not the most comforting answer, but right now you just don’t rank high enough on his priority list. Again, this is not your fault. You are in that sweet stage of “talking and hooking up but not fully committing and throwing labels around.” He is not your boyfriend and is not under any sort of obligation to speak with you consistently and check in. You are expecting way too much and are being completely unrealistic if you think some boy who isn’t your boyfriend or completely committed to you is going to be under obligation to text you in their free time and be ‘ball and chained’. You may think I am being dramatic or a guy should ‘bend over backwards for your attention’ but let’s take a step back into reality. You cannot command or expect something you think is owed to you. So what are we going to do about it?
Action: When he ‘comes back to town’, you AREN’T going to be waiting around for him. You may have really liked him and saw you guys being more than you were but oh well. This is one of the biggest mistakes women make…they let men dictate how sh*t is going to go and let’s things work on HIS terms. The second he comes back and tries to contact you to start ‘talking’ again (aka having sex) and you need to stand the f*ck up and play this game. You will make it difficult for him to get some of your time. Whether you want to play this game or not this move is what will determine if you take things from ‘fuck buddy to something more’ or fall right into the ‘booty call zone’. When he sees you didn’t sit around and wait around for him he will find that much more attractive. You could honestly have a new boyfriend by then who knows, but instead of sitting around upset and waiting for him to text you turn it off in your head. You deserve someone who is going to go the extra mile for your attention and affection…not throw you to the side because you aren’t a priority in his ‘busy’ life (please).